My story part 3
I'd been through so many episodes of depression, and the general feelings of hopelessness because of this secret that I've buried so deep for many years. It was never my decision to struggle with it, it just emerged in my life. I spent many many years trying to change but I couldn't. By having this constant battle in my mind and in my heart every day, I became emotionally erratic.
In the past, I had read many people who claimed that they believed they became gay because of bad parenting, or came from a broken family or abusive childhood, debauchery lifestyle. In 2013, I finally found one story after another from christians who happen to be gays finally spoke up. They are pastors, reverends, christian singers, christian artist who just happen to be gays, being gay is not a lifestyle, is not a behavior, it is just who they are.
They were brought up in harmonious families, never had sexual abuse or molestation, never had a distant father figure, in fact many of them were born in conservative loving christian families, became a christian at a young age and accepted Christ.
I contemplated "what is God trying to tell me OR us? Maybe it is just the way it is that some people are different, and there is nothing wrong with it, they are not BROKEN and they don't need fixing. In the past, I always believed what others told me, especially doctrines from the ex-gay ministries that people like me were broken, I tried to change who I was. I prayed and prayed and I had faith that God would change me, it never happened, as a result, I hated myself for not being able to change, and I couldn't accept who I was, I was torn.
I came across youtube videos of a pastor who came out as gay. His name was Jim Swilley, he's the pastor founder of a mega church in the states known as Church in the now. After spending years and years of remaining silent, he felt compelled to tell his story in front of his congregations because of the increasing incidents of suicides of gay teenager due to bullying, depression in the US. Jim was married to a woman for 22 years, his wife was the one who encouraged him to come clean to his congregations about his orientation. His wife felt that his story would be inspiring for many young gay teenagers who felt oppressed by bullying or religious doctrines. I also watched and read so many other resources on youtube below, sermons, real stories of people like me, pastors, christian singers, ordinary people, clergies and that was the turning point for me.
Jim Swilley's story
Justin Lee's story
and I read many books about this subject, and dug down deeper about what the bible history really said about this subject. Ones that have contributed so much to my turning point are these ones below
The hardest thing that I had to go through was reconciling my faith with my orientation, as I dug deeper into the biblical verses which were often used to condemn gay people, I found more answers.
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