My story part 4

In March 2015 I left my church and moved to another church which accepts people like me, it was an extremely tough decision for me to make. Having attended my old church in the last 5 years had made me become emotionally attached to the church and developed a close friendship with some church friends, but I had to move on. I didn't abandon my faith, I was seeking a faith community where people would accept me unconditionally. My old church is a evangelical charismatic church, gay issue is barely spoken in the church. But, one day I heard my former pastor speaking an anti-gay comment when I was attending the sunday service, he said that new zealand had become an unchristian country from once being a christian country by legalizing gay marriage. I already knew where my old church stood on gay issue, thus I decided to leave the church without telling anyone my reason behind it. Yes, church is a safe place, but not if you are gay.

It's funny for me to think that most christians and pastors judge gay people when they hardly know anyone who is gay. Most straight christians see that being gay is a lifestyle and a choice, urggh...I hate that word so much "gay lifestyle", let me say it again I seriously hate it so much, what is gay lifestyle? my lifestyle is pretty boring, I go to work everyday, go to the cinema on the weekend and go to church on sundays. I don't deny that some gay people enjoy going to gay scene venues such as gay bar and night clubs, but they don't represent all gay people. There is a red light district in almost every city in the world filled with brothels, bars, striptease clubs, night clubs which are catered for straight people, some straight people enjoy going to those places but there are many who don't. But, we don't call it straight lifestyle, do we?

Furthermore, When I first joined the bible study group in my old church, everyone was single, and one by one paired up and found a spouse within the group or from other bible study groups. They got into relationship and got married, when I left the group, almost the majority was married and I was constantly asked by them asking me if I was seeing a girl, I didn't blame them for that, but it internally had driven me very depressed at some point. I tried to ignore all those questions, but as a matter of fact it was not so easy to ignore. Sometimes, they tried match me up with a girl, and I was thinking "if they knew who I was, they would be really shocked and would hate me."

Not only i got these questions from my surrounding friends but also from my family, every time my parents called me they never missed asking me about girlfriend. I wish I could tell them the truth but I don't want to break their heart, if they were devastated by my truth, it would tear me apart as well. I'm afraid that they will never understand that me being gay has nothing to do with them, and it's not a choice either, it's who I am. I felt like being squeezed by two walls.  Don't get me wrong, I was happy to see my friends got married and found a life partner but I also felt intimidated to see each of them paired up and got married whereas I constantly got questioned about my personal life and I was unable to disclose my truth to them. Oftentimes I wish my life was like theirs, but that is not my reality.  

I was torn between two things that I couldn't fit together because the church was very consistent in saying that you could not be gay and be christian. On the other hand, I had struggled with my sexual orientation my entire life until I was 34. No matter how hard I prayed and fast, how hard I cried to God, nothing changed, I'd come to a realization that this may not change. I knew that It wasn't something that I could change.

From both sides, it was kind of the same message that I had to choose one way or the other. whether you wanted to be a gay person or a christian, and it was not the choice that I could make because I knew from my personal spiritual walk with God, from seeing God moved in my life, from experiencing miracles in my life that God is real, and how could I turn my back on God, I couldn't do it but at the same time I couldn't deny the fact that I was gay, it was a part of my being, it was there, and it wasn't something that I could get away with.

I'd been though many episodes of depression, loneliness, self-loathing for a very long time in my life with the fact that I couldn't accept myself for being gay. By having this constant battle in my mind and in my heart every day, I became emotionally erratic. I was really really depressed last year, and my thoughts were suicidal, I started thinking how my friends would react to my suicide. I was angry at myself for not being able to change, and I was angry at God for giving me the life issue that I couldn't resolve, and I was angry at God for not answering my prayer to be straight that I so desperately wanted more than anything else in the world, I told God I'd rather become poor than being gay. Every year when I celebrated my birthday, my first wish to God was "I want to be straight God". 

It irritates me a lot when people say that being gay is a choice, it's a lifestyle, why would anyone choose to be discriminated against, to be spit on, to be prejudiced and discriminated. Then, I heard this popular saying by conservative christians against gay people "God loves you but He hates your homosexuality" or "love the sinner hate the sin". It didn't make feel any better, because I thought not matter what I did, I would always be condemned in God's eyes, and be excluded from the kingdom of heaven. So, I felt rejected not only by the church but by God, as a result I pulled myself away from God for many years. I still attended church every sunday, but I sort of detached myself from God internally for years because I thought God hated something in my being.  It sounded in my ear like "God would love me more if I was straight." If that was the case then why God didn't change me, it was what I had asked of God all those years. Every year when I celebrated my birthday, my first wish was "God please change me to become straight."  I was angry at God, I said to God "God you know that I didn't choose to be gay, I asked you countless times to change me, and now they say that you love me but you hate my sexuality, then why don't you change me? isn't it what I've been asking of you all these years?" "how should I live my life?"

Let me put it this way, Could you image how you would feel if you were told that your heterosexuality was evil, sinful, disgusting, condemned? if you were told that the love that you feel toward someone of the opposite gender was called a sickness, a sin. How would you live your life?

I was terribly depressed in 2014 as a result of so much unspoken internal conflicts in me of not being able to accept who I was, not being able to change my orientation, I was in turmoil as a result of repressing my feelings, and it finally took its toll on me. I couldn't concentrate at work, my passion for life ebbed away, I became emotionally erratic. I knew for the rest of my life, I was going to face a world that told me that I was wrong, that I needed to change, and that I was making a choice to have the feelings I was having and most of all I was going to face a world that told me to stay silent because people don't want to hear this part of me.
As a human being I also long for companionship of a life partner just like my straight friends, because we as human beings are relational beings, we need another human by our side to share our life with. To see my straight friends paired up one by one and got married was hard for me to see how my future would be like.

My thoughts were suicidal but I never dared to attempt to commit suicide, but I remembered clearly one day, I drove to Muriwai beach, Auckland and I parked my car at the empty parking lot overlooking the ocean and I screamed loudly " I hate my life!!! I hate myself !! " I felt like my head was about to blow up because of my depression. On my way back home, I was contemplating suicide by crashing my car into a tree, speeding as fast as I could. But I didn't dare to do it.  I received a speeding fine letter due to over speeding 2 weeks later, I will never forget that day. 

Toward the end of last year, I took a solo trip to Canada, I wanted a totally alone holiday. I needed some solace to contemplate on my life. When I was there, I missed a few sundays not going to church, and one day I walked into this beautiful anglican church, because before I went to Canada, I thought about leaving christianity because I couldn't reconcile my faith with my orientation, I felt like living a double life and a lie. When I was in the church, I sat there for hours, I contemplated on life and prayed, I suddenly felt so peaceful, I felt God touched my heart, tears started falling from my eyes, I could feel God's love in my heart. I never felt such a tremendous peace for a pretty long time because I always felt condemned in God's eyes for being gay. I thought "God loves me with a condition, God doesn't love me unconditionally because I am gay, I wish I wasn't but I am unable to change it". I said to God " I don't know what to do in my life, I believe in you but the church says that I can't be gay and christian, I feel like being squeezed by two walls. I can't deny you but also I can't deny the fact that I am gay."

When I returned to New zealand, I came across this website called the gay christian https://www.gaychristian.net/community/ network on ponsonby baptist church's gay christian group when searching for a gay christian bible study group in New zealand. Gay christian network was founded by Justin Lee, Justin was born and grew up in a southern baptist christian family in the states. He was known as God's boy when he was in school because he was outspoken about his faith in God, but he had a secret, he's gay. I was surprised to find out that there were many people out there like me, christians who were gays in many parts of the world, who went through the same struggle that I did and even worse. I started posting on the forum, I shared my story, and I was so encouraged by their loving responses.

I hurt me to hear their stories that most of them had been hurt by the church, rejected, abandoned, they were excommunicated by their churches and their christian friends turned their back on them after finding out that they were gay, but I was so amazed that they still keep their faith in God despite of all the hurt and pain of rejection they encountered. I also found many straight christians who were just there to listen to and to try to understand our side of complicated life stories. I interacted with them and read their stories how they came to terms with who they were.

 But I hadn't resolved the core of my depression for not being able to accept my orientation which was the biblical verses which were often used by the church to condemn gay people. I always believed what I was told in the past, when the church said that being gay was a sin, but I never really investigated and studied what the bible actually said, I just took the verses literally, I believed what I was told. I don't know why I never really studied the bible deeper about these clobber passages. Furthermore, I embarked on an investigation to find more answers, I sent an email to the gay christian life group from ponsonby baptist church which is led by Peter Lineham and I messaged Peter that I wanted to come to the group. I went to see Peter, and I wanted to know how did he reconcile his faith with his orientation? Peter Lineham is a professor of history and theology at Massey University in Auckland, New Zealand. He's a prominent gay christian figure in New zealand.

I asked him about the the six passages, I asked why those verses sound like people like me made a choice to be gay, I said "I know so well that my orientation has never been a choice that I made, but why those verses sound like I made that choice".

Peter started explaining to me by looking at the historical and cultural context when the verses were written, and I was appalled, I never knew about it before. So, I started reading books on the subject. I am not going mention here why those verses were written back in the days here because there are more qualified historians, pastors, clergies and theological experts who are more expert in elaborating these. But the bottom line was, most christians even christian pastors and priests only read biblical scriptures literally, they never really understand the historical and cultural background behind the scriptures. The Bible couldn't be separated from history and cultural context when it was written. 

Even after Peter explained to me that the original translation of the Bible in Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic language didn't condemn gay people, I was still doubtful. I started reading more books on the common scriptures which were often used to condemn gay people by conservative christians, I still wasn't convinced that God really loved  and accept me unconditionally as a gay person.


One sunday, I visited Peter's church, ponsoby baptist church, Ponsonby baptist is a gay affirming church, in fact most of the congregations are straight people but they affirm gay christians to serve and minister in the church without any sexual orientation discrimination. As they closed the service in a prayer, I was praying, and I opened my eyes and looked at the big wooden cross in the middle of the auditorium, and I heard a voice saying " I'm gonna ask you to become who you are not, be true to yourself ". I could feel peace came down on me, and I felt very peaceful and loved by God. I felt the Holy spirit was whispering to me "it's ok, it's ok...". I tried to hold up my tears from falling out of my eyes. 

It was something that I had never felt for a long time, because I believed for far too long that as a gay person, God could never love me unconditionally because there was something in me that God hated, which was my orientation. I never thought I could ever reconcile my faith with my orientation,  I believe God's love is unconditional, in fact I feel closer to God, and I feel more peaceful after the self acceptance, I know that God is pleased with me because I have stopped hating and cursing myself. I know some people will say that it's the deceit of the devil, all i can say is devil can't give peace, only God can. After I had accepted myself my personal relationship with God had been reconciled. That wasn't the last time I received an affirmation of God's love, before I sleep, or when I feel down I can feel that the Holy spirit speaks to me to always remember that Jesus loves me unconditionally, and that's all that matter even though many other conservative christians might say that I have been deceived by the devil. I get affirmation from the Holy spirit over and over again to always remember that Jesus loves me, the Holy spirit reminds me that I will not always get the love and acceptance from people that I love to accept and love me as I am. But, the Holy spirit reminds me to always remember that Jesus loves me as I am, that's all that matters. He knows the pain and suffering I encountered because He had been there. I always cry every time I hear this from Holy spirit. There is one song that really speaks to me every time I hear it, it's sung by a gay christian singer Justin Ryan, the title is "I have been there".

I no longer see my sexuality as a temptation or a struggle, I see it as a part of my being just as heterosexuality is a part of straight people. 

As John McNeil says “Only a sadistic God would create millions of humans as gay with no choice in the matter and no hope of changing and then deny them the right to express their gayness in a loving relationship for the rest of their lives under threat of eternal damnation.”

I finally accepted myself, and I had reconciled my faith with my orientation, not only that. I had reconciled my personal relationship with God as well. I asked myself, why did it take me this long to reconcile and to finally be able to accept who I am? Well.... In my past, I always asked God to change me, I believed what others said without a doubt without actually trying to listen to what God said.  I always told God what I wanted Him to do to me but I never actually asked God how does He feel about me being who I was. I was seeking people's approval for what they saw was good, I should have gone straight to God in the beginning. 

To tell you the truth, I'm much happier than I have ever been before, after the self acceptance and I know that God is pleased with me because I have stopped hating and cursing myself, I believe that God wouldn't want me to hate myself.  I don't want to die anymore, my self-hatred is gone, all my turmoil and anguish have vanished. 

I'm not fully out to my friends, close friend or even my family, but I get bullied through cyberspace. We live in the information age, where you can get bullied not only through direct social interaction with people. I get rants from people on youtube whenever I try to make people understand that being gay is not a choice, usually I will get rants like "come to God and repent." "come to God and leave your perverted lifestyle" "repent or burn in hell" or usually they will quote the biblical verses which are often used to condemn homosexuality, as if I didn't know. It doesn't irritate nor make me feel vulnerable anymore because I know for sure God loves me as I am. Whose opinion matters most? people or God ? Of course, some people might say, that's devil voice not God, just so you know, devil can't give you peace only God can. In fact, I feel more peace and closer to God after the self acceptance, others opinions do not disturb me as much as they did before because I'm convinced that Jesus loves me unconditionally. If parents of gay children can love their children unconditionally. God's love goes beyond what we can imagine.