My story part 1
My story is not a special story, I'm just an ordinary guy who have a desire just like most people, to live, to love and be loved. This is not just my story, there are thousand of lgbt people who experience self-hate that drive them to suicidal thoughts. I was born in a loving family, both of my parents are loving parents. Even though I was not born in a religious family, I came to know Jesus when I was 13 through my aunt. There was something that emerged in my life out of my own will, I did not ask for it, I never wanted it, it was imposed upon me, and I had no control over it, that thing was my orientation. I always knew I was different from a young age ..... even before I knew the word for it.
I don't remember a defining moment to realize that I'm gay but I always felt that there was something in me that other guys my age didn't feel since I was a teenager. When I was 10, we moved into a new house and my dad invited many guests to celebrate a housewarming party, and I was attracted to the sons of my dad business clients, they were older than me, and I found them attractive. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't know the word for it, I was only 10 . All I knew was, I was attracted to them, I wanted to know them more, and I wanted to get their attention, I wanted them to notice me. I didn't know the word for that...
I accepted Christ when I was 13 through my aunt. Even though I was educated in a catholic school, I thought of Christianity as a religion not as a relationship with God. My aunt introduced me to Jesus and I invited Jesus into my heart when my aunt asked me to follow her prayer.
After I hit puberty, my attraction towards the same gender became stronger. Just when my other male friends started noticing girls and talked about them excitingly, I didn't feel the same way that they were feeling, because I was starting to find guys more attractive. I was trying to come up with some explanation to describe the feelings I was having, I was confused but I didn't dare to ask anyone, I didn't know who to ask, and asking my parents was not an option either, I didn't know who to confide in, so I just kept it within me.
I thought "this is just some weird phase that I'm going through" and I was certain that I would outgrow it. I didn't know what to do with it so I just ignored it and then when I slept at night, I didn't dream about girls, I dreamed about guys instead. When I woke up, I would feel confused, and asked myself "why did I dream about guys instead of girls?"
One day in school, my physics teacher mentioned the word "gay" in the class, and a student asked him what that word meant, he said that it meant people who were attracted to the same gender, and it suddenly made sense to me what I was feeling, I was scared because I wanted to be just like everyone else. I denied it, I believed that it was only temporary. I prayed and begged to God not to let it happen.
As much I wanted the feelings to go away, it grew stronger and stronger instead, and I didn't have control over it and I didn't know why. In the years following, I simply buried my feelings, I hid them from myself, convinced myself that I was straight and would outgrow it one day. Then, when I was 14 my teacher came up with a new seating arrangement for the class and I was arranged to seat next to this guy who later on would become my best friend. The next thing that happened was I found myself attracted to him, I knew nothing about this guy, but seeing him everyday gave me the feeling unlike anything I had ever felt around a girl, I realized that I had a crush on him. I asked God and myself these questions a lot "why am I feeling this?" "is this what other guys feel too when they are a teenager?" "is this only temporary?" "is this only a phase?" "do other guys feel this way too??" "will this go away by itself?" "what is wrong with my body?" "what is wrong with my brain?" . I would pray to God every night before I went to bed to take the feelings away, I told God that I wanted to be like everyone else. I would kneel down in my bedroom and prayed for a few hours everyday, I thought "maybe the longer I pray, the bigger the chance God will answer my prayer to change me to become straight". But, I would dream about guys instead of girls at night, I still thought of it as a weird phase that I would eventually outgrow if I just kept on praying it away.
Eventually I realized that I fell in love with the same guy I had a crush on when I was 17. I didn't tell him that I had feelings for him because with so much stigma and preconceived notion about gays in indonesian society, the last thing I wanted was to be bullied or rejected. One day after i finished school, I found out that he had a girlfriend, I felt jealous, and heartbroken. I didn't know why I was feeling that way, so, after I got home I locked myself in my room and I prayed, and cried, and I said to God "I'm not supposed to feel this way but I can't help it." and shouted to God " Please God take this away, I don't want it, I don't want it !!! ". I was floored and cried out to God that I just wanted to be normal just like all my friends. I said to God "please God, don't let me feel this way anymore, I don't want it." I had faith that God was going to take this feelings away, I had faith that one day when I woke up, it would all be different. I was convinced that if I just prayed hard enough God would change me. It never does happen.
We are still best friends until now, even though he still doesn't know my truth and I have no intention of telling him that because I'm afraid if it would tear off our friendship. He asks me often whether or not I've found a girlfriend and I instantly say "no". I kind of hope that he will figure it out himself but it seems that he has no clue at all.
In the mist of trying to understand what was wrong with me during my adolescence, i did research on the internet, I wanted to find out whether there were people out there who were like me, and how they dealt wit it because I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't feel comfortable to talk about this with anyone even my parents. Indonesia was a very conservative society with the issue of homosexuality, it's taboo and it's never mentioned. I found articles of people who claimed as ex-gay on the internet, I read their stories, and I found their stories very inspiring. Some of those names were John Paulk, John Smid, Randy Thomas, these were people who claimed as ex-gay, In my opinion the term meant they were not longer gay, they had become straight. I found their testimonies through ex-gay ministries such as exodus international, love won out, those ministries were based in the US. Those were chritian groups which offered gay people to become straight.
I would print out those testimonies, and laid my hands over the printouts and prayed that if they could change, it could happen to me too, that I could be changed as well. I thought "I worship the same God as theirs, if they could change, I can change too". I became hopeful again. But in those testimonies, I found similar patterns in almost every story, none of these patterns fit to me. None
Firstly, they once lived a destructive lifestyle which they claimed as gay lifestyle that was full of drugs, alcoholism, sexually promiscuous and debauchery life etc. But, my life was nothing like that, I just wanted a simple ordinary life just like anyone else. They left that lifestyle after knowing Christ which was awesome. But, in my opinion you don't have to be gay to live a destructive life. The last ex-gay book that I read was a book written by christopher yuan, the book talks how he came to know christ through his mother endless prayers, same as most other ex-gay stories he once lived a sexually promiscuous, drugs related, alcoholic life, it's the typical darkness to light story that conservative evangelical churches love to hear. But my life was never like that, I never did those things. I kind of hoped to read a statement of his in his book which said that his same gender attraction was gone now. But I didn't find it until the end of the book, He admitted still having the attraction instead, nothing has changed, but the good thing is he is a christian now. I even sent him an email and asked him this "are you straight now?" and his response made me even more confused, he said "the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality but it's holiness". I asked him back "what does that mean?" "does it mean that gay people can't be holy because they don't have the attraction to the opposite gender and they have no control over it." and he didn't reply.
In my mind the term ex gay meant that they had become straight, they were no longer attracted the same gender, their orientation had changed, but apparently that's not the case. In their mind gay encompassed a sexually promiscuous and destructive lifestyle. so when they said they weren't gay, they referred that they no longer lived a destructive life but they were still attracted to the same gender, many christians took their wrong concept of ex gay and misled many other christians into thinking that they had become heterosexual. This had lead many other christians into believing that being gay was a choice, it's a lifestyle of promiscuous sex and debauchery life and if they wanted to change they could.
Secondly, most of them claimed that they became gay because had lack of close relationship with their father, or no father figure or love during childhood which caused their homosexuality. I was not born in a christian family but my family is a loving family, my mom and dad are both loving parents. My relationship with my mom when I was a teenager was not as good as my relationship with my dad, I used to have arguments with my mom, but I thought it was normal, any children must have had quarrel with their parents especially when they were teenagers. In general, I had a normal childhood, and a happy childhood, I had an amazing relationship with my dad when growing up, he's caring, loving, sacrificial, selfless and he was very protective of me, he would tell me to tell him anything if there was anyone at school who bullied me. I love both of my parents, for me my dad is the most loving and selfless man in my life.
Thirdly, they claimed that sexual abuse could cause someone to be gay. I was never sexually abused.
Fourthly, Inability to relate to other male friends. I had no problems with this either, I bonded a close friendship with 4 male friends since high school whom I am still friend with them until now. And, I wasn't a popular kid during my schooling years but I was never bullied. In fact when I was in high school, I almost didn't have any female friends, most of my friends were all guys.
The above points are often claimed as the causes of homosexuality by the ex-gay ministries, none of those fit to me. Their testimonies have misled many christians into believing that they have become straight. I have never been sexually abused nor come from a broken home nor have a distant/absent father nor have done any drugs nor have ever had a problem with alcohol nor sexual promiscuity.
When I was 18 I dated a girl, I thought maybe if I dated a girl, it would cure my gayness, it would somehow grow my attraction to girls. Then I dated this girl whom I was quite close, we would go to church together, hang out at the mall, go out every weekend. I didn't feel any romantic feelings toward her, she was just someone I enjoyed hanging out with. Even though I was dating a girl, and wanted desperately to be attracted to her, I had still never experienced even a moment of attraction to a woman ever, in my life. All of my attractions were for other guys. Eventually we broke up after one year we had dated.
I was sent to study in Perth, australia when I was 19. Church that I attended when I was in indonesia never addressed the issue of homosexuality, but I still remember so vividly in my head one sunday morning when I attended a morning sunday service with my second girl friend in my homewtown, bandung, indonesia. The preacher was a guest speaker from Malaysia. I've forgotten what she preached about that day, but one thing she said that I will never forget. She said "I read news the other day about a pastor in USA, who was stabbed to death" and she paused, and she said " I questioned God how come a pastor died in such tragic way" and then she went on saying this " it was later found out that he was gay". She didn't give the full story of it, but when I heard it , I felt my heart was being stabbed by an icy dagger, I was dumbfounded, my hands suddenly became cold, my heart suddenly was beating so fast, I was stunned and very shocked. From that message I got the impression that "God hate gays, he even punished His servant who happen to be gay to die in a tragic way." When I got home, I contemplated, prayed, wept, felt confused and thought I needed to be straight otherwise I wouldn't be worthy of God's love, God would hate me. For many years I believed that I wasn't worthy of God's love unless I became straight. I started hating my orientation even more, and saw it as something evil in me, punishable by God, even God hated it. I thought I would try to love my girlfriend as hard as I could, and be straight if that was what God wanted.
But I questioned God, how could God hate me for something I didn't even choose or wanted and I had no control over it? my orientation had never been a choice I made, I knew that 100% for sure, and I was going to hell because of it, how should I live my life ??? why God was unfair to me and to other people like me?? I thought i would never ever tell anyone that I was gay, I would bury this secret my whole life and would take it to the grave.
I don't remember a defining moment to realize that I'm gay but I always felt that there was something in me that other guys my age didn't feel since I was a teenager. When I was 10, we moved into a new house and my dad invited many guests to celebrate a housewarming party, and I was attracted to the sons of my dad business clients, they were older than me, and I found them attractive. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't know the word for it, I was only 10 . All I knew was, I was attracted to them, I wanted to know them more, and I wanted to get their attention, I wanted them to notice me. I didn't know the word for that...
I accepted Christ when I was 13 through my aunt. Even though I was educated in a catholic school, I thought of Christianity as a religion not as a relationship with God. My aunt introduced me to Jesus and I invited Jesus into my heart when my aunt asked me to follow her prayer.
After I hit puberty, my attraction towards the same gender became stronger. Just when my other male friends started noticing girls and talked about them excitingly, I didn't feel the same way that they were feeling, because I was starting to find guys more attractive. I was trying to come up with some explanation to describe the feelings I was having, I was confused but I didn't dare to ask anyone, I didn't know who to ask, and asking my parents was not an option either, I didn't know who to confide in, so I just kept it within me.
I thought "this is just some weird phase that I'm going through" and I was certain that I would outgrow it. I didn't know what to do with it so I just ignored it and then when I slept at night, I didn't dream about girls, I dreamed about guys instead. When I woke up, I would feel confused, and asked myself "why did I dream about guys instead of girls?"
One day in school, my physics teacher mentioned the word "gay" in the class, and a student asked him what that word meant, he said that it meant people who were attracted to the same gender, and it suddenly made sense to me what I was feeling, I was scared because I wanted to be just like everyone else. I denied it, I believed that it was only temporary. I prayed and begged to God not to let it happen.
As much I wanted the feelings to go away, it grew stronger and stronger instead, and I didn't have control over it and I didn't know why. In the years following, I simply buried my feelings, I hid them from myself, convinced myself that I was straight and would outgrow it one day. Then, when I was 14 my teacher came up with a new seating arrangement for the class and I was arranged to seat next to this guy who later on would become my best friend. The next thing that happened was I found myself attracted to him, I knew nothing about this guy, but seeing him everyday gave me the feeling unlike anything I had ever felt around a girl, I realized that I had a crush on him. I asked God and myself these questions a lot "why am I feeling this?" "is this what other guys feel too when they are a teenager?" "is this only temporary?" "is this only a phase?" "do other guys feel this way too??" "will this go away by itself?" "what is wrong with my body?" "what is wrong with my brain?" . I would pray to God every night before I went to bed to take the feelings away, I told God that I wanted to be like everyone else. I would kneel down in my bedroom and prayed for a few hours everyday, I thought "maybe the longer I pray, the bigger the chance God will answer my prayer to change me to become straight". But, I would dream about guys instead of girls at night, I still thought of it as a weird phase that I would eventually outgrow if I just kept on praying it away.
Eventually I realized that I fell in love with the same guy I had a crush on when I was 17. I didn't tell him that I had feelings for him because with so much stigma and preconceived notion about gays in indonesian society, the last thing I wanted was to be bullied or rejected. One day after i finished school, I found out that he had a girlfriend, I felt jealous, and heartbroken. I didn't know why I was feeling that way, so, after I got home I locked myself in my room and I prayed, and cried, and I said to God "I'm not supposed to feel this way but I can't help it." and shouted to God " Please God take this away, I don't want it, I don't want it !!! ". I was floored and cried out to God that I just wanted to be normal just like all my friends. I said to God "please God, don't let me feel this way anymore, I don't want it." I had faith that God was going to take this feelings away, I had faith that one day when I woke up, it would all be different. I was convinced that if I just prayed hard enough God would change me. It never does happen.
We are still best friends until now, even though he still doesn't know my truth and I have no intention of telling him that because I'm afraid if it would tear off our friendship. He asks me often whether or not I've found a girlfriend and I instantly say "no". I kind of hope that he will figure it out himself but it seems that he has no clue at all.
In the mist of trying to understand what was wrong with me during my adolescence, i did research on the internet, I wanted to find out whether there were people out there who were like me, and how they dealt wit it because I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't feel comfortable to talk about this with anyone even my parents. Indonesia was a very conservative society with the issue of homosexuality, it's taboo and it's never mentioned. I found articles of people who claimed as ex-gay on the internet, I read their stories, and I found their stories very inspiring. Some of those names were John Paulk, John Smid, Randy Thomas, these were people who claimed as ex-gay, In my opinion the term meant they were not longer gay, they had become straight. I found their testimonies through ex-gay ministries such as exodus international, love won out, those ministries were based in the US. Those were chritian groups which offered gay people to become straight.
I would print out those testimonies, and laid my hands over the printouts and prayed that if they could change, it could happen to me too, that I could be changed as well. I thought "I worship the same God as theirs, if they could change, I can change too". I became hopeful again. But in those testimonies, I found similar patterns in almost every story, none of these patterns fit to me. None
Firstly, they once lived a destructive lifestyle which they claimed as gay lifestyle that was full of drugs, alcoholism, sexually promiscuous and debauchery life etc. But, my life was nothing like that, I just wanted a simple ordinary life just like anyone else. They left that lifestyle after knowing Christ which was awesome. But, in my opinion you don't have to be gay to live a destructive life. The last ex-gay book that I read was a book written by christopher yuan, the book talks how he came to know christ through his mother endless prayers, same as most other ex-gay stories he once lived a sexually promiscuous, drugs related, alcoholic life, it's the typical darkness to light story that conservative evangelical churches love to hear. But my life was never like that, I never did those things. I kind of hoped to read a statement of his in his book which said that his same gender attraction was gone now. But I didn't find it until the end of the book, He admitted still having the attraction instead, nothing has changed, but the good thing is he is a christian now. I even sent him an email and asked him this "are you straight now?" and his response made me even more confused, he said "the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality but it's holiness". I asked him back "what does that mean?" "does it mean that gay people can't be holy because they don't have the attraction to the opposite gender and they have no control over it." and he didn't reply.
In my mind the term ex gay meant that they had become straight, they were no longer attracted the same gender, their orientation had changed, but apparently that's not the case. In their mind gay encompassed a sexually promiscuous and destructive lifestyle. so when they said they weren't gay, they referred that they no longer lived a destructive life but they were still attracted to the same gender, many christians took their wrong concept of ex gay and misled many other christians into thinking that they had become heterosexual. This had lead many other christians into believing that being gay was a choice, it's a lifestyle of promiscuous sex and debauchery life and if they wanted to change they could.
Secondly, most of them claimed that they became gay because had lack of close relationship with their father, or no father figure or love during childhood which caused their homosexuality. I was not born in a christian family but my family is a loving family, my mom and dad are both loving parents. My relationship with my mom when I was a teenager was not as good as my relationship with my dad, I used to have arguments with my mom, but I thought it was normal, any children must have had quarrel with their parents especially when they were teenagers. In general, I had a normal childhood, and a happy childhood, I had an amazing relationship with my dad when growing up, he's caring, loving, sacrificial, selfless and he was very protective of me, he would tell me to tell him anything if there was anyone at school who bullied me. I love both of my parents, for me my dad is the most loving and selfless man in my life.
Thirdly, they claimed that sexual abuse could cause someone to be gay. I was never sexually abused.
Fourthly, Inability to relate to other male friends. I had no problems with this either, I bonded a close friendship with 4 male friends since high school whom I am still friend with them until now. And, I wasn't a popular kid during my schooling years but I was never bullied. In fact when I was in high school, I almost didn't have any female friends, most of my friends were all guys.
The above points are often claimed as the causes of homosexuality by the ex-gay ministries, none of those fit to me. Their testimonies have misled many christians into believing that they have become straight. I have never been sexually abused nor come from a broken home nor have a distant/absent father nor have done any drugs nor have ever had a problem with alcohol nor sexual promiscuity.
When I was 18 I dated a girl, I thought maybe if I dated a girl, it would cure my gayness, it would somehow grow my attraction to girls. Then I dated this girl whom I was quite close, we would go to church together, hang out at the mall, go out every weekend. I didn't feel any romantic feelings toward her, she was just someone I enjoyed hanging out with. Even though I was dating a girl, and wanted desperately to be attracted to her, I had still never experienced even a moment of attraction to a woman ever, in my life. All of my attractions were for other guys. Eventually we broke up after one year we had dated.
I was sent to study in Perth, australia when I was 19. Church that I attended when I was in indonesia never addressed the issue of homosexuality, but I still remember so vividly in my head one sunday morning when I attended a morning sunday service with my second girl friend in my homewtown, bandung, indonesia. The preacher was a guest speaker from Malaysia. I've forgotten what she preached about that day, but one thing she said that I will never forget. She said "I read news the other day about a pastor in USA, who was stabbed to death" and she paused, and she said " I questioned God how come a pastor died in such tragic way" and then she went on saying this " it was later found out that he was gay". She didn't give the full story of it, but when I heard it , I felt my heart was being stabbed by an icy dagger, I was dumbfounded, my hands suddenly became cold, my heart suddenly was beating so fast, I was stunned and very shocked. From that message I got the impression that "God hate gays, he even punished His servant who happen to be gay to die in a tragic way." When I got home, I contemplated, prayed, wept, felt confused and thought I needed to be straight otherwise I wouldn't be worthy of God's love, God would hate me. For many years I believed that I wasn't worthy of God's love unless I became straight. I started hating my orientation even more, and saw it as something evil in me, punishable by God, even God hated it. I thought I would try to love my girlfriend as hard as I could, and be straight if that was what God wanted.
But I questioned God, how could God hate me for something I didn't even choose or wanted and I had no control over it? my orientation had never been a choice I made, I knew that 100% for sure, and I was going to hell because of it, how should I live my life ??? why God was unfair to me and to other people like me?? I thought i would never ever tell anyone that I was gay, I would bury this secret my whole life and would take it to the grave.
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