My story part 2
I spent many years and years fighting to change, I prayed, prayed and prayed every single night before I went to bed, begging God to change me, not only begging but trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay, repeating over and over "I'm not gay". That line and those prayers became my daily every night thing. Whenever I was at a conference, youth conference, I would worship and prayed to God to change me, to kill my gay feelings. I tried so hard to push the feeling away, everyday was like a battle for me.
Unfortunately in 20 years of their ministry, they had misled many souls and churches to believe that orientation could be changed, that it was a choice, it was a lifestyle, it was an addiction and had misled many churches to believe that they had become straight. Their statement and testimonies made me believe back in the days that I was broken, and needed healing. Was I angry with them? yes, I was.Their false testimonies had misled many churches for almost 2 decades to feel more righteous to oppress gay people or christians who are gays by saying you can't be gay and be a christian and excommunicate them out of the church. I was angry because their false testimonies had damaged many souls and life.
https://www.gaychristian.net/gcnradio/gcnradio2010-07-02.mp3
https://www.gaychristian.net/gcnradio/gcnradio2013-04-26.mp3
In the past, I would avoid reading those articles, because I didn't want to hear the inconvenient truth, I didn't want to imagine it happening to me because I so desperately wanted to be straight so bad. I was devastated to find out about it at first but this new beginning slowly brought me to self-acceptance.
http://theprogressivesoul.com/episode-14-recovery-from-ex-gay-therapy/
My thought was deeply suicidal countless times from adolescence until late 20s. I contemplated suicide often, I just wanted to die at some point, I seriously just wanted to die.........I would think about how people might react to my suicide, what would happen after I did it............that was the darkest moment of my life. I thought "I will never get married and will spend the rest of my life in loneliness."
I was angry at God for giving me the life issue that I couldn't resolve. The only thing that stopped me from doing it was the church doctrine which said people who took their own life wouldn't go to heaven, and I was scared. Nobody wanted to go to hell. I cried and wept and told God that there was nothing else I wanted than just being straight. So many tears of sadness and fear and anger, guilt and suicidal thoughts and so much shame. To be blunt but true, I hated myself. I lived a double life. I often fantasized if there was a pill which could turn me to be straight, I would save up my money to buy it no matter how expensive it would be or sometimes I thought I rather became poor than being gay. I often fantasized that I would have a concussion or stroke that would reset my brain and turn my orientation to be straight.
I was mad at God for not answering my prayer to be straight, God answered all my other prayers, I had experienced, physical healing, holy spirit baptism, financial blessings, and abundant blessings in other aspects of my life but WHY not this one. Especially since it was the thing that I desperately wanted the most than anything else in the world. It really bothered me when I head people said " you don't try hard enough" or "pray harder" or "have faith". I had faith, if I hadn't had faith, I would not have experienced the miracles I said above, would not I?
I often said to God "God I don't want to live through this, why can't I live like my two brothers?" "we were brought up under the same roof, received the same amount of love from our parents, why am I different?".
For the majority of my life, I lived in a lie, I had two relationships with women before, I was in denial as I knew deep down in my heart I could not love my girlfriend the way she deserved to be loved by a guy. I tried so hard to love my girlfriend at that time but I couldn't. I thought by being in a straight relationship, it would cure my gayness, I was wrong, the relationship turned out to be a disaster, disaster for me, and disaster for them as well.
My second girlfriend was a beautiful woman, she was a model, everyone said she was beautiful. I dated her when I was 20 until 25 years old. My first relationship with my first girlfriend ended but I didn't give up, I thought I would try again, even though all my attractions were for guys. So I met this lovely girl at a course before I went to Perth, Australia to study. We were on a long distance relationship, we would keep in touch through text message and emails everyday. I would see her every Christmas when I traveled back home to Indonesia and spent university break in my hometown Bandung, Indonesia.
I tried so hard to love her the way she deserved to be loved as my girlfriend at the time, but I couldn't, I desperately tried to feel attracted to her but I didn't feel attracted. I tried so hard to push the gay feelings inside me away when I was with her, every time we went out on a date felt like there was a rebellion inside me, I felt kind of awkward when we were holding hands, and I felt uncomfortable when we were cuddling. When I was with her, I felt like I enjoyed her companionship as a friend but not as a lover, I didn't have any romantic feelings for her. She felt it too actually, that she didn't feel any romantic affection from me to her. Every time we went out on date, I felt there was a battle inside me, I asked God "God, is this what you want me to do?" "to live in denial, to live in the common pattern of the society, even though deep inside my heart I know I live a lie, aren't we taught to be honest to ourselves?". That's why I really don't get it how some gay people who choose to marry to a member of the opposite gender, realizing who they are and they have to constantly repress the feelings to deny who they are.
We eventually broke up after 5 years of relationship and she was hurt emotionally, I felt so guilty, and I promised to myself that I would never go into a relationship again unless I was sure with what I was feeling. I wouldn't go into a straight relationship again if it is only to cover up people's suspicion of me. I had to end it because I could not stand lying anymore. People who are in a relationship should not be making an effort to say "I love you" whereas I tried to force myself to say it but I couldn't, I could have said it to her but it would have been a lie. I also had to end it because she asked me to propose to her, and I just could not do it. I felt very guilty for dragging her into my complicated life. I didn't initiate the relationship actually, she kind of revealed to me first that she had feelings for me, and because I so desperately wanted to be straight at that time, I went into courtship with her in hopes that I would be straight, even though my first relationship kind of ended in the same way, but I didn't give up.
I was very worried about her, how the break up would affect her because she was close with both of my parents and family. I still keep in touch with her, we are good friends now. She still doesn't know my truth, I see no reason why she has to know, She must feel disappointed, cheated if I told her the truth. It would be better not to know, to make story even more complicated, she had married and divorced, and she confessed to me that she was still in love with me when she was married to another man and still loves me until now which makes me feel very guilty again about the mistake that I did years go. I said to myself that I made a horrible mistake, hoping by being in the relationship with a woman, my sexuality would change, but it never does change. I played with someone's heart, and that was a terrible terrible mistake. I will never ever do it again. I thought I had fallen in love with a woman a couple of times, but when I fell i love with a man, I knew none of those things had been love.
I tried so hard to love her the way she deserved to be loved as my girlfriend at the time, but I couldn't, I desperately tried to feel attracted to her but I didn't feel attracted. I tried so hard to push the gay feelings inside me away when I was with her, every time we went out on a date felt like there was a rebellion inside me, I felt kind of awkward when we were holding hands, and I felt uncomfortable when we were cuddling. When I was with her, I felt like I enjoyed her companionship as a friend but not as a lover, I didn't have any romantic feelings for her. She felt it too actually, that she didn't feel any romantic affection from me to her. Every time we went out on date, I felt there was a battle inside me, I asked God "God, is this what you want me to do?" "to live in denial, to live in the common pattern of the society, even though deep inside my heart I know I live a lie, aren't we taught to be honest to ourselves?". That's why I really don't get it how some gay people who choose to marry to a member of the opposite gender, realizing who they are and they have to constantly repress the feelings to deny who they are.
We eventually broke up after 5 years of relationship and she was hurt emotionally, I felt so guilty, and I promised to myself that I would never go into a relationship again unless I was sure with what I was feeling. I wouldn't go into a straight relationship again if it is only to cover up people's suspicion of me. I had to end it because I could not stand lying anymore. People who are in a relationship should not be making an effort to say "I love you" whereas I tried to force myself to say it but I couldn't, I could have said it to her but it would have been a lie. I also had to end it because she asked me to propose to her, and I just could not do it. I felt very guilty for dragging her into my complicated life. I didn't initiate the relationship actually, she kind of revealed to me first that she had feelings for me, and because I so desperately wanted to be straight at that time, I went into courtship with her in hopes that I would be straight, even though my first relationship kind of ended in the same way, but I didn't give up.
I was very worried about her, how the break up would affect her because she was close with both of my parents and family. I still keep in touch with her, we are good friends now. She still doesn't know my truth, I see no reason why she has to know, She must feel disappointed, cheated if I told her the truth. It would be better not to know, to make story even more complicated, she had married and divorced, and she confessed to me that she was still in love with me when she was married to another man and still loves me until now which makes me feel very guilty again about the mistake that I did years go. I said to myself that I made a horrible mistake, hoping by being in the relationship with a woman, my sexuality would change, but it never does change. I played with someone's heart, and that was a terrible terrible mistake. I will never ever do it again. I thought I had fallen in love with a woman a couple of times, but when I fell i love with a man, I knew none of those things had been love.
Hearing words of condemnation against gay people from my own friends or people around me like gays should burn in hell, the second coming of Jesus is getting clearer when homosexuality is not only tolerated but it's accepted had caused me the deeply internalized homophobia that had developed within me since a young age.
I still remembered having a discussion with my bible study group in Auckland, New zealand after gay marriage was legalized in nz in 2013. It hurt me to hear that their initial reaction was "it is so stupid, they shouldn't have done it, churches are now forced to lobby their biblical values". I was just sitting there and my heart was pounding so fast and I said nothing....... I wondered, "what would they think of me if they knew that one of their friends is like them?? would they kick me out?? " I knew that they didn't mean any harm, I supposed they do not know any close friends who are gay, so their mindset of gay people are very stereotypical, they look at gay people from political lens so they have no knowledge of gay people at all. To hear homophobic rants from random people are not strange things for me but to hear it coming from my own friends really hurt.
I still remembered having a discussion with my bible study group in Auckland, New zealand after gay marriage was legalized in nz in 2013. It hurt me to hear that their initial reaction was "it is so stupid, they shouldn't have done it, churches are now forced to lobby their biblical values". I was just sitting there and my heart was pounding so fast and I said nothing....... I wondered, "what would they think of me if they knew that one of their friends is like them?? would they kick me out?? " I knew that they didn't mean any harm, I supposed they do not know any close friends who are gay, so their mindset of gay people are very stereotypical, they look at gay people from political lens so they have no knowledge of gay people at all. To hear homophobic rants from random people are not strange things for me but to hear it coming from my own friends really hurt.
I don't understand when people are so adamant in saying that being gay is a choice or a lifestyle, those deeply irritate me a lot. I didn't wake up one day and made a decision to be gay, I never even dreamed about it. You have no control who you are attracted to. the same as, did you choose to be straight? or why are you straight? I didn't choose to be gay, NEVER even dreamed about it in a million years.
Then, it's a "lifestyle" thing, Why would anyone choose a lifestyle that is discriminated against and prejudiced? or in some countries, it 's an automatic death penalty for being who they are. Nomadism, nudism, these are lifestyles. Apparently, most people have a big problem to judge and condemn what they don't understand.
if I had a choice, I would choose a life that was much easier, I would choose the mainstream world life. Why would anyone choose a life that is harder? It really is not a choice, if i had a choice, i would choose to be a part of the mainstream world. For a very long time, i wanted a life just like my two other brothers, just like my friends, just like most other people. In my darkest days, I just wanted to escape from this harsh reality.
In 2014, I found out that people from ex-gay ministries who once claimed that they were ex-gays, admitted that they are still gay, they are still attracted to the same gender, meaning they are still gays, nothing has changed even though some of them were once married to a woman and had kids, most of them are divorced now. These are the people whose testimony I read when I was a teenager which led me to believe if they could change then I could too. Eventually 20 years later after the 90s, they came out and told the truth and they are still gays, admitted publicly that it’s not possible for people to change their orientation. Names like john smid, john paulk, randy thomas are familiar in ears because I read their testimonies when I was a teenager 19 years ago , back in the days when they proclaimed that they were ex gays and made me believe that if they could change to become straight then I could too. Now they came out and revealed that they are still gay, but they have reconciled their faith with their orientation, they are gays and still christians.
Unfortunately in 20 years of their ministry, they had misled many souls and churches to believe that orientation could be changed, that it was a choice, it was a lifestyle, it was an addiction and had misled many churches to believe that they had become straight. Their statement and testimonies made me believe back in the days that I was broken, and needed healing. Was I angry with them? yes, I was.Their false testimonies had misled many churches for almost 2 decades to feel more righteous to oppress gay people or christians who are gays by saying you can't be gay and be a christian and excommunicate them out of the church. I was angry because their false testimonies had damaged many souls and life.
ex-gay leaders finally came out after decades of false testimonies
https://www.gaychristian.net/gcnradio/gcnradio2013-04-26.mp3
In the past, I would avoid reading those articles, because I didn't want to hear the inconvenient truth, I didn't want to imagine it happening to me because I so desperately wanted to be straight so bad. I was devastated to find out about it at first but this new beginning slowly brought me to self-acceptance.
Oftentimes, as you open yourself to investigate more beyond what you are told, you will get more answers. So, I did read those articles, and also I read the article that exodus, the largest ex-gay ministry is now defunct, because 100% of the participants who joined their program had not experienced a change in their orientation. I was appalled when I read it because it was actually my goal to go to US and join their camp or conferences one day which I thought as a way for me to turn straight.
The exodus shutting down kind of answered my prayer and question for a long, long time, Their slogan was "change is possible" and I used to ask God, if change was really possible, why I didn't change after years and years of prayers. If "change is possible" like what their slogan said, why I couldn't. Then I found out that almost 99.9% of people who joined their program hadn't not experienced any orientation change at all, that statement was made by Alan Chambers who was the president of the organization (I wonder why he left the 0.1%) .In an interview with Anderson Cooper, a CNN anchor who is openly gay, Alan was asked if sexual orientation can be changed and Alan said that he doesn't believe that orientation can be changed. Even after 16 years of marriage to his wife, his same gender attraction has never changed, he's still attracted to men.
When exodus closed down, I was really shocked because if what they promoted was true, that "change is possible" why did they close down its ministry?? I contemplated and questioned God "what is this all about God....?" I tried to grasp what was going on.
If you watch the video, you will hear that some participants from the ministries ended their life tragically because they were told that they couldn't embrace themselves and be who they were.
and then I found out, more and more ex-gay ministries closed down, "Love won out" "Love in action". When I was a teenager, I read the testimonies of people from those organizations, those who claimed they had become straight back in the days and now they spoke up and revealed the truth that there was no such thing as ex-gay as their same gender attraction never diminished, they have always been gay.
One of the most popular ex-gay poster boy was John Paulk. He was the poster boy of ex-gay throughout the 90s, he even released a book on he claimed that he had walked out of gayness. He was invited by many mainstream mega churches to give his ex-gay testimony. In 2014 he finally came out to reveal the truth that his sexual orientation has never changed. Watch his latest interview here
Comments
Post a Comment