Torn and now restored

https://serendipitydodah.wordpress.com/2015/11/02/stories-that-change-the-world-15-letter-to-beth-moore/ https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BwtAAFr-up5NZGUxYzFhYjAtNjNlMC00ZTM3LWJmNjEtYTE3MzYyMTQ1MmU5/view http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/04/19/yes-homosexuality-absolutely-is-a-choice/

In March 2015 I left my church and moved to another church which accepts people like me, it was an extremely tough decision for me to make. Having attended my old church in the last 5 years had made me become emotionally attached to the church and developed a close friendship with some church friends, but I had to move on. I didn't abandon my faith, I was seeking a faith community where people would accept me unconditionally. My old church is a evangelical charismatic church, gay issue is barely spoken in the church. But, one day I heard my former pastor speaking an anti-gay comment when I was attending the sunday service, he said that new zealand had become an unchristian country from once being a christian country by legalizing gay marriage. I already knew where my old church stood on gay issue, thus I decided to leave the church without telling anyone my reason behind it. Yes, church is a safe place, but not if you are gay. It's funny for me to think that most christi

I'd been through so many episodes of depression, and the general feelings of hopelessness because of this secret that I've buried so deep for many years.  It was never my decision to struggle with it, it just emerged in my life. I spent many many years trying to change but I couldn't. By having this constant battle in my mind and in my heart every day, I became emotionally erratic.  In the past, I had read many people who claimed that they believed they became gay because of bad parenting, or came from a broken family or abusive childhood, debauchery lifestyle. In 2013, I finally found one story after another from christians who happen to be gays finally spoke up. They are pastors, reverends, christian singers, christian artist who just happen to be gays, being gay is not a lifestyle, is not a behavior, it is just who they are. They were brought up in harmonious families, never had sexual abuse or molestation, never had a distant father figure, in fact many of the

I spent many years and years fighting to change, I prayed, prayed and prayed every single night before I went to bed, begging God to change me, not only begging but trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay, repeating over and over "I'm not gay".  That line and those prayers became my daily every night thing. Whenever I was at a conference, youth conference,  I would worship and prayed to God to change me, to kill my gay feelings. I tried so hard to push the feeling away, everyday was like a battle for me. My thought was deeply suicidal countless times from adolescence until late 20s. I contemplated suicide often, I just wanted to die at some point, I seriously just wanted to die.........I would think about how people might react to my suicide, what would happen after I did it............that was the darkest moment of my life. I thought "I will never get married and will spend the rest of my life in loneliness." I was angry at God for giving me the